Marriage

I was the celebrant at a wedding on Saturday and have been putting away my notes and posting the paperwork. "...... you have come before God and we your family and friends to make your marriage agreement. Will you love and honour each other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?"
Quick nervous glance at each other then "We will."
"Now I invite you to join your hands and make your marriage vows."
"I ........ take you ..... to be my lawfully wedded...... in sickness and health, to have and to hold, till death part us." (This couple wanted the traditional vows)
Under my breath the cynical me says.... "Yeah Right!?"

What chances have they? The statistics show 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce! I am aware that of those still in tact many are miserable marriages, sometimes marriages in name only. I am surprised by the number of marriages I encounter where there is little emotional or physical intimacy, and the individuals feel desperately lonely. Often we distract ourselves into endless renovations, busyness of work, booze culture or being besotted by inane hobbies or sporting teams. One Christian writer I read suggested that the marriage vows were OK in an age when we started sexual activity later in life and life span was much shorter. These days he suggested we have 3 phases in life with partners to match.- Early phase when we want to enjoy sex. - Second phase when we want to raise a family. -Third phase when we have more leisure and "grow older". He suggested that the time span is so long it is unrealistic to envisage spending all that time with one partner. A cynical yet realistic woman I passed this by suggested that that was what a man would write. It so happens that older men want to justify swapping "mum" for a younger, prettier, more sexy model.

I want to leave you with three pictures.
(1st Picture) I watched an elderly couple, getting frail walking arm in arm down St. Andrew St. in Dunedin. They stopped by the Op Shop window and looked in. Something caught their eye, they pointed, he put his arm around her and they laughed together. It was obvious that what they had seen had sparked some humorous memory from their journey together. It was probably an "in house" joke. Couples who have journeyed together in friendship gather a whole host of special memories, delightful moments and little jokes. They have a common history that is just so precious in life. Smiling they continued their journey and came to an intersection with cars going in four directions. They hesitated, obviously less confident than younger more agile people. They linked their arms more firmly and looking out for one another, worked their way across the road. I wondered how often in their journey together they had done that. As challenges, sufferings or disappointments had hit them they had metaphorically linked arms more firmly and worked their way through it. Marriages can have passion and romance but they need more than anything, friendship.

(2nd Picture).... a hospital room she, in her 70's is unconscious and dying of cancer. He is gently rubbing her head and telling me of their life together. He told of how they met; the war years; the different houses they lived in; his and her bouts of depression; her encounters with cancer; the arrival of their children; the arts and crafts she did; his career and the activities of their children. As I came away I felt like I had been on sacred ground. Here was the beauty of marriage and the friendship it can provide. Here were two imperfect people, with struggles and difficulties, but because they were "together" they had been able to lead, creative, stable and responsible lives, raising two creative responsible children, overcoming big hurdles by their friendship.

(3rd picture) ... a man married for many years came to me. He told me how he had discovered in a relationship outside of his marriage a warmth and friendship better than he had at home. It was a "clicking" of two personalities and the surprised discovery of acceptance and warmth, even though at this stage they had not "been naughty". What should he do? Should he follow his feelings and enjoy this new relationship? Or should he deny himself this potential happiness and stick faithfully to his marriage vows? With tears in his eyes we talked through the issues. I ached for him in his dilemma. (He chose courageously at that point to give his marriage another go.... because of their common history. But his wife took some convincing that anything was lacking in their relationship.) To build friendship in marriage takes effort, openness, understanding and often discipline.

"..... with the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss."
Amidst the applause and whistles of family and friends I said again under my breath... "May God help you!"
(Photo: My sister signs the register at her wedding a few weeks ago.)